December 19, 2003
Lord of the Nerds

The nerds have become severely agitated in recent days, and I fear that any more Lording of the Rings may result in some sort of international nerd frenzy that will end in swordplay, the wrath of oliphants and relentless orog bloodshed. A nerd stopped me in the hall today to tell me that the new movie was the best thing that had ever happened to them and that he had 'lost his virginity for the second time'.

I stopped the nerd before he could get back to his server and said that I questioned the authenticity of that remark. I said, "Logic dictates that sex is the best thing that ever happens to any man, and therefore, no film can be the best thing that ever happens to a man. If a film is the best thing that has ever happened to you, the former statement's invalidity falsifies the latter, meaning that you are still a virgin, and you cannot have lost your viriginity for a second time. So go now, and do not bother me any more with your weary rod of lordly might."

He walked away quietly. I felt bad for a moment, but it soon disappeared. He would take that hurt and use it to fuel his quest for real satisfaction.

Trust me, any man who says that Lord of the Rings is better than a squalid fuck in the back seat of an '82 Camaro has obviously never made it with a desperate pregnant woman. And he should.

Speaking of which.

Colette dropped me a letter today. There was no cinquain.There was just a short note and it was to the point. The line that intriqued me most was:

"I would very much like to see you before Christmas. Can we meet this weekend?"

Sounds like a solicitation for extra-marital carnal activities to me. But what do I know? Sounds almost as good as Paul reinstigating some pot decriminalization. Yeah, Paul!


December 18, 2003
Animated for the Motivated

For those inclined to watch an American soldier shoot a wounded and rather non-threatening Iraqi, we have a very special treat for ya today.

That's right, if ya click here, you can choose whether or not you'd like to watch a CNN newcast showing an American soldier shoot the unarmed Iraqi, and then cheer about it. There's no need to really call it a war crime, but the fellah at bushflash.com sure likes to, and by definition, he's probably correct. It's a very tough little chunk of video to watch, but sometimes it's good to remind one's self that not all the monsters are brown, not all of them wear turbans and some of them look exactly like that underachieving moron down the street you wouldn't trust to park your fifteen-year old car.

In addition to posting the newscast, the same fellah from bushflash made a little animation addressing the ban on photographing American remains, which I've discussed before. I highly suggest it. And if ya feel like lightening up the load after all that, check out this amusing little ditty by Mark Fiore. Thanks to K and Tina for pointing out some of these things. By god it's good to be on the right side of the gun.

And in some really important news, I have 11 votes for the Daily Mingus at the Asian Weblog Awards: Best Non-Asian blog contest. I am in the top ten as we speak. Help me crack the final four! If you click on nothing else today, click to vote for this monumental event!!! Forget about the dead people and the illegal killings. This is REALLY important!!!



December 17, 2003
How to Lose, DFL Style

For some reason the Assman decided it would be a good idea to nominate The Daily Mingus for The Asian Weblog Awards: Best Non-Asian blog.

Thank you, Assman, for the nomination, but there is little pride in being nominated for an award and publicly showing up dead fucking last. Therefore, you may vote for me by clicking the link below and help save my face just a little. And yes, you can only vote once. Otherwise, I would have several votes, because yes, I have been known to play dirty, cheat like a motherfucker and kick small children in the back. I have also been known to drink two bottles of red wine and post The Daily Mingus at three in the morning. These are serious character flaws, and I am working hard to correct them. And nothing would help more than victory in a web contest I didn't even know about until yesterday.

So please help me beat such luminaries as The Dirty Whore Diary and WWDN. Ah fuck, who am i kidding. I will never destroy Wesley Crusher. Or virulent.nu. Vote for who you want. This internet award thing is fucking insane. I may have to start my own awards. The gala would be the best on the planet and would consist of a seventeen minute opening ceremony with Iron Butterfly playing In-A-Gatta-Da-Vida in red dresses followed by a test of strength where all nominees are systematically kneed in the groin by a man wearing a nun's habit and a russian gasmask. The last man standing will win, of course, and Sweaty Charles will be the official line judge. We'll call em the Nunties. Should be a rollicking fucking time.

Go, vote, if you're bold enough. I would advise lying about your email address.

Truly, I have no shame.

Truly, I am the great whore of Babylon, and I roar from the hell of my own making.


December 16, 2003
The Horn of Gander

Mingus Tourette dials number and waits for a pasty journalist friend to pick up the phone somewhere on the far end of the city. Sleepy voice answers.

Mingus Tourette: Hey fucker, what's going on?

Marvin Gander: Oh, just finishing up a spot of work. Yourself?

MT: Working. Hey, remember that foreword you were going to write? For the book?

MG: Oh yes. What about it?

MT: All text for the book has to be finished by mid-January, and that includes the foreword.

MG: Oh...I see.

MT: Right, you see.

MG: That's interesting. Say, did you see these papers on Saddam?

MT: I did.

MG: And what do you think?

MT: I'm reserving comment pending an American announcement of his execution.

MG: Oh, they won't kill him.

MT: Oh yes they will. It won't be smart, but nobody accused the American government of being smart about anything. Especially not Texans and especially not when it comes to lynching bad guys or frying brown people.

MG: Well, they're not going to kill him.

MT: Oh yes they will, and we're going to see it live on television and we're going to ask why we can't see an American coffin but we can see a man shot to death and nobody's going to answer us.

MG: What, no joy about the fall of one of the few honest dictators of this era? You're really quite a cynic these days.

MT: It's fucking Christmas. I'm drinking a lot. And I'm telling it straight.

MG: Really? What exactly are you telling us straight?

MT: I fucking hate Christmas, I bought all of my presents in one store in fifteen minutes and I don't think I'm going to wrap them. If I had a ten-year old nephew, I would buy him a copy of the Anarchist's Cookbook and put a bow on it.

MG: Anything else? Did you see Colin went in for prostrate surgery? Quite fitting, I thought.

MT: Quit beating around the bush, bitch. You owe me a thousand words. And I want to see them in two weeks.

MG: Right... How's Chloe?

MT: Same as Celina: still breathing and getting fucked regularly. A thousand words, Gander. Quit getting away from it.

MG: You're a real cocksucker, you know?

MT: Better than anyone. Merry fucking Christmas, my dear. And to all a good night.

Mingus Tourette places phone down with flourish, pours himself another eggnog and tops it up with a shot of the rum he stole from the party over the weekend. Holds glass up to the air and considers it. He smiles.

And.... scene.

Tell Me How Late Marvin's Going to be With His Foreword...

December 15, 2003
Saturday Night Barn Burners
Some breaking news, obviously. Apparently, the Americans have caught Saddam and didn't even accidentally shoot him. A very interesting development. I certainly hope that he is tried in a fair and open manner by an international tribunal. The Americans have a very good chance to showcase their so-called ideals here, so one can only hope that they do something that doesn't resemble what often goes down in Guantanamo Bay.

The party was a grandiose success. The only casualty was a drunk Norwegian who fell over and couldn't get back up. Now that's funny.

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