January 27th, 2006
Religious Duty
the dianetics and the jehovahs
keep handing me pamphlets
as I wait for the 6
at the bus stop
on 99th
even though I'm tired
I still make the effort
to smile as I accept them
and stuff them down the front of my pants
January 19th, 2006
Unlikely Scenarios Continued
It seems that Mr. Trent Wilkie is no longer content
verbally fucking with Fringe audiences. He is
learning Photoshop so he can fuck with nerds in
a visual format. His handiwork is proudly featured
above.
The intrigue over the two scenarios continues
to build, as people ask themselves:
• Who took the photo?
• Who is the mysterious man in the photo
(in the white circle)?
• Why is he bent over like that?
• Could that be Adam Cranberry? If so, why
wasn't he mentioned? Do he and Mingus Tourette
still hate each other?
• Does the blogger that claims to have purchased
a copy of nunt
from Chapters actually exist, or did Mingus Tourette
create that entire blog as a red herring?
• Could the original photo be a Photoshop
composite?
• Is this photo a result of a third scenario,
as outlined by commentor The Only Lorry, who opined
that "Through sheer force of will, Mingus
caused the entire Young Readers section of Chapters
to became copies of Nunt for one hour."
• If I win this contest, will I really win
a copy of Akira? And do I want it in VHS format?
Or is this just a trick, and I will end up somewhere
in North Virginia with nothing but a bottle of
Jack Daniels, caressing Il Duce?
• How long will it take for Rahim Jaffer's
staffers to google
his name, reach this site, read the words
"Boning Fellow MP Helena Guergis" or
"Girlfriend Vomits in Lap As A Result"
and "Freak the Hell Out"?
• Why is web traffic higher today than it
has been for six weeks?
• How do I feel about Il Duce?
January 16th, 2006
You Be The Judge - Two Unlikely Scenarios
Let's play a game. The rules are: you look at
the picture above, and decide which of the following
scenarios is more likely. One of them is definitely
true:
Scenario A. To celebrate Sweaty Charles'
recent release from the corrective facility, Mingus
Tourette rounds up Marvin Gander and Terrible
John to take Mr. Charles out for an afternoon
of draught beer and chicken wings. After a few
drinks, some boisterous conversation about the
good old days of Breastfish, and some old fashioned
school-yard dares; the fellahs walk into
Chapters on a Saturday evening with eight
books stuffed into each of their coats. They walk
up to one of the main displays and move all of
the regular books to a nearby table. With surgical
precision, they lay out thirty-two (32) copies
of nunt
on the display, take a couple of photos to document
their operation, and evacuate the premises. The
32 copies of this
horrifying book await discovery by a confused
and trembling bookstore staff.
Scenario B. Sixteen months after
its release, the West
Edmonton Mall Chapters store somehow decides
to order thirty (30) copies of nunt
and place them on a prime shelf-end display
where they can be seen by the high volume of customers
(and their children) that walk past it every day.
A higher res version of the photo, for those who
assume I would rather commit Photoshop fraud than
actual crimes,
is available here.
Good luck. This is a difficult and thankless game.
The winners will gain garlands for themselves.
The losers will be ridiculed, and possibly, kicked
in the groin by a loaded Mingus Tourette the next
time they see him. As with the Fake
Stag Omerta, there will be no warning.
Go on - best logical explanation or 'proof' wins
a VHS copy of Akira!
Yeah!
January 13th, 2006
Loco Politics
 The
big
vote is coming up. When I look at my options
in my
riding, I see a Liberal named Andy,
an NDP named Linda
and a handsome nine-year veteran incumbent from
the Conservatives named Rahim
Jaffer.
I get a lot of mail from him. Or rather, I get
a lot of mail from his aides. Though it struck
me the other day that I couldn't actually name
a single thing that he'd done for my riding in
his nine years in power. Except for that
incident where he got one of his aides to
pretend he was Jaffer on the radio. Though apparently,
the aide did it without his knowledge. Or, the
aide did it with his knowledge, and ate the bullet
for the big MP when it backfired. Such would be
the benefits of being photogenic, I suppose.
Oh, I guess Jaffer has worked on several "portfolios"
and "special joint committees" . And
his dad's coffee shop. That's something. But,
I don't know if it's enough for me to vote for
him.
See, the other day, a very reliable source told
me that Mr. Jaffer doesn't actually work that
hard. I've often wondered if he gets re-elected
around here because people confuse him with our
esteemed MLA Raj Pannu. Because I never hear anything
about what Jaffer's doing. And then the other
day, I heard that Mr. Jaffer hadn't even bothered
to show
up for a local candidate forum. Which sounded
both cocky AND disinterested.
In my book there are few cardinal sins. However,
laziness is one of them. The source also mentioned
that Rahim Jaffer actually spends most of his
time carousing in Ottawa rather than representing
my interests. Actually, there was a funny story
about that - if you think adultery, liquor and
vomit is amusing.
Apparently, not too long ago, Mr. Jaffer was messing
around with another MP named Helena
Guergis in an Ottawa bar. Jaffer's long time
girlfriend found out, caught him, and was so upset
that she threw up in his lap.
Sounds like a Mingus Tourette story. And you know
what - it would be fine if it was. I mean, that
Helena is hot. I should be writing dirty poems
about railing her in an Ottawa bar. But, my Member
of Parliament should be in his office. Working
hard for his money. I like to work hard. And,
I think anyone working for me should work hard,
and that includes my official representative.
He should leave the drinking and womanizing to
the poets, and crack open them policy books. Or
at least show up for the local debates.
Anyhow. I can't vote for that guy. Good looking,
but lazy. So - even though the lefties in my region
will split their vote between NDP and Liberal,
I got to throw one way or the other. And I got
a feeling that the NDP will be closest this time.
So I think that's the way I'm leaning.
Yup. Go
Linda. All the way baby.
January 9th, 2006
Forty-Nine Solitudes
An infuriatingly accurate article ran in
the Edmonton Journal yesterday about national
media perception of this province. Some might
be tempted to shrug and say - such is the problem
with having a national media centred in Toronto.
Question is - why doesn't it change? Why is Toronto's
perception of Alberta as follows: Stampede, Hockey,
Mall and Oil? Is it all THEIR problem, or is it
partially OUR problem? As Buddha might say - perhaps
it's both.
On one hand, we certainly play up the cowboy angle.
Or at least, Calgary does. Because in many ways,
that's their deal. Even their cutting edge theatre
festival, as experimental as it is, is called
the High
Performance Rodeo.
But Edmonton, what does it play up? Even with
everything else it has - the festivals, the river
valley and an explosively expanding university
- over the decades it has played two things: the
Mall,
and the Oilers.
There are big music, poetry, theatre, and cultural
scenes that thrive locally, but seem nationally
invisible. With literature, the only writers that
anyone in Toronto knows are dead or seventy years
old. If they ain't Rudy Wiebe or WP Kinsella,
they simply ain't. Even established authors
who refuse to plough the farm fiction field have
a tough time getting their books published.
Perhaps Edmonton's message is finally
changing, due in part to a new mayor who seems
to understand the value that culture can bring.
But these scenes have been here for years. The
question is - will Toronto, or the national media,
pick up on it? And if they do, how long will it
take?
Hugh MacLennan wrote about our two national solitudes
- the French and English, but it's more schismatic
than that. We've got dozens: The THC BC, The Prairies,
The North, The Maritimes, The Quebec, all the
solitudes within each of those, and of course,
The Media Centre Known As T-Dot. Pat Carroll,
a poet who's lived all over the country in order
to discover it, once said, "It's
a country of pockets; just different pockets of
people living their lives without ever intersecting
with the next pocket. That's us." So perhaps
it's the geographical nature of the country, but
when is that going to change? These are the halycon
days of instant messaging, email and web phones.
Surely the gaps are no longer so wide. Or are
they?
And if the situation doesn't change, should an
artist who is hell-bent on writing for a living
stay in Edmonton and pound his head against the
black walls of Toronto? Or, should he move to
the place where everything happens? Because,
though it drives me nuts, nothing guarantees success
for a local artist like succeeding in Toronto.
The best example of this that I've seen for years
came just before Christmas. Wunderkind rapper
& producer
Cadence Weapon put out his album Breaking
Kayfabe earlier
this year. He caught a four star
review in the Globe
& Mail & NowToronto
on December 9th. By December 15th, he had big
fat articles in The
Edmonton Journal and Vue
Weekly. By December 22nd, he was on the cover
of
See Magazine.
What else do I have to say?
Maybe there's something that I don't know, but
to an average news reader, it looks like he broke
in Torontosaurus Rex, and Edmonton immediately
scrambled on board. The worst moment in following
the story was the Vue
Weekly review which stated "I might be
mistaken, but I’m pretty confident that
Cadence Weapon’s hometown shout-out anthem
'Oliver Square' may be the first and only time
our fair city has been mentioned in a rap song."
Honestly - whoever wrote that should not be reviewing
rap albums in Edmonton.
Personally, I think it's terrific for Mr. Weapon.
I hope he gets a fuckload out of it and skips
the day-job stage and cuts right to living as
a full time producer & hiphop artist. Also,
I hope the Edmonton hiphop scene prospers because
of it. There are a lot of fellahs here that have
been working hard for years, like
DGC (who have their own
review of the album circa June 2005), and
they deserve the break.
Just like a whole lot of E-Ville artists - hiphop,
literary, or otherwise.
Question is, will it ever come? Or perhaps the
better question is: will it ever come while we're
living outside The Big Smoke, looking in?
January 6th, 2006
a step and a whirling spire
three days ago
I ate a tin of oysters
that I later discovered
expired in 1999
only now
am I climbing out of the fever
but barring the vomiting and sweating and shaking
it has not been a bad time in the cave
I have not seen as many old friends
in one place
since my third wedding
Gander was there
and said
caterpillar-like
that pink book is a pillar of salt
and so is she
Nat
stood white and hard
in the corner
saying nothing
Tento
asked me out for breakfast
down in grey forested limbo
Colette
said she hated me
and my pale lips
and
Chloe
said
I don't even hate you
i pity you
to have to
live with you
and curled her lips
as she spoke
which made me shiver
but my old bookbinder
perched there
on his black chair
and said
you knew it was time to
start walking again
anyhow
this ironshod city
with her collar of rust
is starting to flake
and burrow under your skin
so crack it off and start moving
you great stupid pipemoth
you terrible wandering fool
and when I woke
I clutched long strands of hair
in my fist
and gasped for breath
and saw nothing
but the cracking ceiling
and ravens
chasing sundogs
howling across the sky
|
January 2006