September 30th, 2005
Hunter's Thought for the Day
Some days, when we are arguing, we like to ask
the group "What would Hunter do in this situation?
What would he do this evening? Or for the rest
of the weekend?"
And then he answers:
""Have an objective to give your bender
a theme. For instance, stalking and killing a
wild pig with a bowie knife."
After that everything is clear. We stop arguing,
put on the Mingus mask and go outside. And think
about roast pork. For years there has been talk
of stray boars in the river valley.
Now, as I mentioned - if someone that really isn't
me masquerading as a Californian went to all the
trouble of trying to get my book banned, it is
your Christian duty to help him out. This man
has a beard and a son. So
please sign the goddamned petition, like the 19
other godblessed souls. If you don't, Mother
Theresa will spend another five years traipsing
up the curve through Perdition.
September 29th, 2005
Squids and Indigo Lists
Morrie, Sierra and I collectively shit our pants
this week when we read that:
Japanese scientists have
photographed for the first time in the wild a
live giant squid, one of the most mysterious creatures
of the deep sea. - CNN
My only regret is that it wasn't Kiwi Steve
O'Shea who first caught the big bastard on
film. Steve - I commend your monomania. If anyone
deserved to see them first, you did. But, we all
fail. Regularly.
Still. Look at this magnificent
bastard. Or read up at Reuters.
Also in news - seems like an online Indigo poll
says that The Da Vinci Code is the best
book of all time. Check the article at Edmonton
Journal. Yup. Better than Joyce, Hemingway,
Atwood or anyone else. Really. Seems to underline
my fundamental principle about most humans - dumb
shaved apes doing exactly what we were conditioned
to do - by our parents, society, religion or ourselves.
It's a conspiracy.
And finally, in other book related news, it is
about goddamned time that someone started a petition
to have nunt
banned. Please
sign it.
September 26th, 2005
The Fall Arabesque
sure.
they'll tell you that
ladybugs
smell like fresh cut grass
but what they don't tell you
is that
when you pick them up
and sniff them
and accidentally snort one
up your nose
and you can sense the little gal
trying to take flight in your septum
it's going to feel like a five finger black and
red bowling ball
rolling with thunderous applause and laserbeam
accuracy
straight up your sinus cavity towards your brain
and if you're lucky
the two of you won't kill each other
choking and spitting
in the autumn twilight
September 23rd, 2005
Two Years
Today marks two years of the Daily Mingus.
And a strange two years it has been! To all those
following the recent problems that Kate and I
have had in the tabloids, you'll know what I'm
talking about. It looks like she might lose the
Rimmel contract as well, which is the shits. And
that thing about Sadie and Jude Law (bastard)
and Kate and I in the tub was especially hard
on the mothers. I mean, Jude can go and fuck himself
and his prude Sienna. Six rules before she takes
him back? Ha! How about getting that hook straightened
out, Jude!
To celebrate: myself, my publisher and six of
the worst reprobates I can dig up are going to
drink Crystal and three hundred dollar bottles
of wine till we pass out in a heap somewhere tonight.
Preferably not on Safran Foer's floor this time.
(Note that I didn't say KOSHER wine? Hmm?)
Oh dear - makes me just a bit sentimental. Who
would have thought this little site (warning:
indulgent self-reflection ahead) would take off
like it did eighteen months ago. Half a million
hits a day? And net profits close to a quarter
million pounds a month? Net! And that doesn't
include my publisher's cut, or the pounds spent
on rubs, tugs and lunch buffets. And of course,
it doesn't include any of the endorsements, book
royalties, etc. God, I love the free market.
The future, as ever, looks awfully bright. That
thing with Al Roker still stinks a bit, but Ann
Coulter just loves to ride the johnson, and I
can't help that. You know that as soon as her
new book is finished, she'll be back for more.
And that's just fine. At the end of the day, the
Yanks are still having a love affair with the
thought of her and I at the Democratic convention.
The book,
of course, is in its 13th printing, with over
five million in print, and is finally being translated
into Hebrew. That makes seventeen languages -
seventeen translators who have had to ask - what
is the equivalent to nunt and fuckaroo? Apparently,
the Italian version was the best translation -
or at least, it's sold the best. Maybe it was
that frank discussion Benedict and I had on Italian
radio. I thought it was sort of a bust, but Europe,
as I always say, is a tough nut to shine.
The reviewers haven't ALL come around, but those
in France who love the Houellebecq really pushed
it, and the NY Times (bless You!) has been a regular
bastion of publicity. I mean, I'd like to throttle
some of the people at the International Herald
Tribune, but they're not REALLY NY Times, are
they ;) And I guess that Kate and I (and Jude)
ARE news fit to print, so I can't really blame
them. There's not much we can do about that videotape
now.
As for all the projects: The Hippo Foundation
seems to be taking seed, and the whole Katrina
donation has really shown that we're giving back
to the community, so I think we're finally getting
some philanthropic respect. I'll be directing
a new Sweaty Charles music video (Renaldina)
next month when the album comes out. The tour
coffee book is due in November (same day as the
xbox 360 -yikes!) and apparently, the full tour
bobblehead line-up will be available for Thanksgiving
(US). Ascension has been optioned by
Pixar, nunt: the movie is back in the
green light zone, with Tobey set to star (not
my first choice, but I liked him in the Ice Storm)
and after Aranofsky dropped out, it looks like
Nolan is going to direct. Bruckheimer requested
that the old ambulance be towed out of retirement
for a cameo appearance, which I thought was sort
of funny. I'm not sure if it can even start anymore?!
It's no Bentley, that's for sure.
Anyways - just thought that a nice sum up was
deserved at this point. I mean two years, and
it hasn't been easy, but look at all the things
it's brought! That's what I tell the kids when
I speak at schools (hey Nelly?!) - follow your
dreams, and it'll pay off in the end. I mean,
it might not look like you'll end up with the
money women and power, but somehow, you do! I
just thank the old Creator for all the blessings.
Now if only He could get the press to lay off
on Kate. God, it was a just a little eight-ball!
Oh, and thanks to all the millions of poetry and
avante garde fans out there, and all the progressive
blog consumers. If it weren't for you, I'd probably
be living in a bachelor apartment somewhere cold,
driving that embarrassing pink thing, staring
at a couple thousand unsold books and wondering
what the fuck I've been doing with my life for
the last two years. There but for the grace of
God, eh? Well, off to the hippo races!
September 20th, 2005
Full Perpetual Motion Roadshow Dates Released
If you live on the East Coast or somewhere in
America, buckle those seat belts and get ready
for the maafucking Hindenburgh, 'cause Mingus
is coming to town. If you're sick of his bullshit,
he's rolling in with two other horsemen - the
darkly comic Jason Anderson and the mic-crushing
COOLHANDLUKE. AND there's always some local talent
in EACH city. Except for Cincinatti, where they
are apparently afraid to step onto stage with
us. Whatever.
So mark these dates on your calendar. In blood.
Semen. And faeces. And if you know ANYONE in any
of these cities - let 'em know we're coming.
TORONTO
Friday, October 21. Art Bar (in the Gladstone
Hotel), 1214 Queen St. W.
(416) 531-4635. With poet Sabrina Lightstone.
8pm
OTTAWA
Saturday October 22. Mercury Lounge, 65 Byward
St.
(613)789-5324. With sound maker Jason Sonier.
7pm
MONTREAL
Sunday, October 23. Café Esperanza, 5490
St. Laurent
(514) 948-3303. with musical poet Brian Campell.
8pm
NEW YORK CITY
Tuesday October 25. Junnos, 64 Downing St.
( 212) 627-7995. Local act TBA. 7:30pm
PITTSBURGH
Wednesday, October 26. Mattress Factory. 500 Samponia
Way
(412) 231-3169. Local act TBA.
CINCINATTI
Thursday October 27. Hobo Books, 4040 Hamilton
Ave.
Local act TBA. 6:30 pm.
CHICAGO
Friday, October 28 Quimbys, 1854 W. North Ave.
(773) 324-0910. Local act TBA. 7pm
Full Details at www.perpetualmotionroadshow.com
September 19th, 2005
Hippie News
Hippos are in danger. Sadly. The world's formerly
largest population has dropped from almost 30
000 in 1974 to about 800.
This sort of thing makes me:
1. Depressed.
2. Angry.
3. Wishful I had enough money for my Anti-Genocide
/ Anti-Poaching Apache AH-64 Assault Helicopter
Unit. Nothing deters hippo poaching like Hellfire
missiles and 4600 30mm rounds per minute.
So - adopt a hippo. Or just
learn up.
Also - it seems like
global warning is having an effect on the intensity
of hurricanes. Entirely shocking. Unless one
understands the idea of cause AND effect.
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Sept 19th - October 2nd, 2005