January 28th, 2005
The Proteans

Don't forget that Shelley Rothenburger's art show opening is tonight. It is called 'The Proteans'. It is at the U of A extension Gallery at 8303 112 St, 2nd floor. Between 6 pm and 9pm. With a special bedshitting poetry reading by Mingus Tourette starting somewhere around 7.30 or 8.00 pm. Depending on how drunk I am.

For the fellahs who are a bit nervous about the art and the poems, consider this: there promises to be plenty of skinny female art students in tight-fitting black sweaters, wearing orange scarves. If you would like to have sex with one of these pallid creatures, I highly suggest sidling up to one while she is staring at a painting, and nonchalantly delivering this opening line:

"I feel that the post-modern ethic demonstrated here leans towards a real discussion of gender-neutral politics. I'm not sure if it more closely follows Juri Manaskov's seminal 'lightbear' series, or if it is attempting to answer Adam Cranberry's great 'blue sense' question. It's quite the neo-structuralist quandary."

She may look at you queerly, but that is just art-chic for 'I want you to fuck me in the ass. ' Lean forward and whisper gently that you would like to see rose her nipples with your gin-soaked ice cubes. You will be guaranteed some excitement!

Production Note: Due to several technical difficulties with paint toxins and some fire-hazard regulations, we have decided to simplify tonight's show to avoid a 'clusterfuck', or a 'freak embolism'. There will be no ungulates or mortars. Just a smart artist, some good conversation, a drunk poet, some beautiful fucking paintings, a mic, a faulty amp and an aural mindfuck. Should still be a helluva night.

Nunto 38

I tell her to take me home
from this late night cricket shack
with the line that I have used

with surprising success

And when I say it, I can tell
it’s about to work again.

She’s that kind of woman

Well.

It’s time for fistfighting or fucking, girl.

One or the other
’cause
I got an urge to draw blood.

January 27th, 2005
RetroDonkey

Trying to sort the archive into something that makes sense and call it the classic Mingus. Stumbled across this lovely commentary on the war in Iraq from November 2003.

The American Donkey Punch

News today: the rocket attack on the Iraq Oil Ministry was made from the back of the donkey in the photo below, originally posted on the MSNBC site.

At this point, the donkey has been arrested and shipped to Guantanamo Bay where he is being held as an enemy combatant, and has been denied access to legal counsel.

Wolfowitz said of the detainee, "This terrorist has been captured and is being held for interrogation. If we feel that he is responsible for this war crime, he will be tried for such at a military tribunal and any judgement against him would result in a capital sentence. Early interrogation is not definitive at this point, as we are having some
difficulties attaining a written confession."

The method of execution the donkey would face is unclear at this point, for he would not fit a standard electric chair. Whether another method of execution would be considered inhumane, and therefore inadmissable, is a clouded legal issue, as the terrorist is not considered to be human. Prosecution would likely push for the method of execution clinically referred to as a donkey punch.

Wolfowitz added, "If the donkey is guilty, he will pay the ultimate price. The United States will not stand to be pushed around by thugs and assassins. Especially assassins."

When asked if PETA would have any influence over the rulings, Wolfowitz refused comment.

January 26th, 2005
Plays and Stuff.

I tell ya, those Mostly Water guys are funny. And smart. If you like the funny, I would recommend checking out their show this week. It's really good. I wept at least once. And it's good to see people who work their sacks off for their art. I always appreciate that.

Unless, of course, you don't like funny. And, if you don't like funny, I highly recommend you come watch me read poetry on Friday night in an art gallery.

I mean, there might be a few laughs, depending on which poems I bust out, and whether you think sodomy, exploding livestock and men ripping out other men's eyeballs to be amusing. And the art's going to be good. But generally, galleries are horribly quiet, and I don't think there's any liquor being served, and when it is that quiet, there is nothing to do but launch in at full speed, swing the mic around the head a few times and start ripping heads off, which can be uncomfortable for everyone, but not all that humourous. I do intend to exert my 'performer's right of drunkenness' and gun back shots of whiskey as I read. I've also considered entering through a veil of smoke on the back of Siberian pony to the tune of 'Adeste Fideles'. Or at least painting myself pink from top to bottom. Or inexplicably showing up in drag.

I mean, if half the audience doesn't walk out wondering what the fuck just happened to them, it probably wasn't worthwhile. Danger and highly-charged eroticism are the key ingredients in any good poetry reading. You know, like this:

Art Patron One: That was definitely her best show so far. A true evolution!

Art Patron Two: Too bad about that asshole. How drunk was he?

Art Patron One: Oh god, I know! I can't believe he put his foot through the wall!

Art Patron Two: He's lucky they had the fire extinguisher nearby.

(Silence, while both women think about what it would be like to be ravaged repeatedly in their husband's bed by a dangerously intoxicated poet with a god complex, and find their genitals responding warmly.)

The Proteans. Friday night at the U of A Extension Centre Gallery b/w 6 & 9 pm. Go for the brilliant art. Stay for the shitheadery. And afterwards - we all get shitfaced!

January 25th, 2005
Maturity. Really.

Several weeks ago I was approached by a man who was interested in developing one of my Ben Mulroney stories into a very short play. Apparently, we shared the same view of Mulroney - that he was probably a failed abortion. I asked Mr. Trent Wilkie, star of Mostly Water Theatre's "Maturity" why he disliked Mulroney so much.

"Mostly because of what he does," said Mr. Wilkie. "Reporting celebrity news is pointless and pedantic and rich with ironic contradictions. He is the anti-art; the anti-substance. He puts so much energy into a soulless product, that he embodies my frustration with the entertainment industry. The only thing he is good for is food, but only if you have a taste for assholes. And he’s got a stupid face."

Satisfied that my story would be in good hands, I consented, waiving the usual $500K licensing fee on the condition that I be granted an exclusive interview at an undisclosed downtown bath house two days before the show. As well, I wanted free passage, a rented mule, and one dart to throw for every skit. Which ended up being a lot of darts, because the Mulroney skit is just one of many fine performance pieces that make up Maturity. And yes, the show starts tonight and runs until Saturday. We highly recommend it.

Now, for your reading pleasure and cultural enlightenment, we bring you Mingus Tourette's (MT) hot interview with E-Ville uberTalent Trent Wilkie (TW), straight from the bathhouse:

MT: So Trent, what is your artistic intent with this new show?

TW: We are basically trying to make each show better than the last. This show has a more rounded feel to it. There are more elements that are purposely there to make the entire show more diverse in humour and structure. Also having fun and being stupid. Those are two very underrated elements of professional comedy.

MT: That's interesting. But who really gives a shit about skits, and why do you? I mean, really?

TW: Skits are the poetry of the acting world. Easy, to the point, and drenched with meaning if you do them well. Personally, I like them cause they taste good.

MT: Of course, Poetry is what we call the bukkake of the literary world... (laughs) God, that's funny. Now, would you say your work is post-modern?

TW: I would have to say yes but that doesn’t make us stand out. Most current art is post-modern and I do consider what we do art. We do have a tendency to challenge norms and the status quo but then if everyone is doing it isn’t what we are doing the norm? I mean, it’s not that we are heathens, but I think we have an understanding that forethought and ideals are basically a way to set your self up for a fall. Ideals are perfection; perfection is impossible therefore ideals are things people tell themselves so they don’t have to actually deal with anything of substance. An example: Religion. It is a get out of jail free card for the wicked, someone to blame for the irresponsible, someone to depend on for the lazy and a good way to get people to do what you want for the rich. What was the question?

MT: You've answered a koan with a koan, which is perfect zen structure. Well done. Would you say your work is influenced by post-colonial playwrights?

TW: Not to my knowledge. My work is influenced by alcohol and sarcasm if anything.

MT: I see. Who is your direct antecedent?

TW: I can’t speak for Sam Varteniuk (the other half of Mostly Water Theatre), but my inspirations or mentor or what have you is more of an abstract idea than a person. I would say being Canadian; meaning being a bit of everything and nothing at the same time. I was brought up in Cape Breton and lived without a lot of frivolities. Then I lived in Ontario for a bit and basically did a lot of catching up on the frivolousness of middleclass boredom. Isn’t that what Canadians do? Try to find something to take away the boredom? Hockey anyone? Exactly.

That contrast gave me a lot of insight and perspective. I love being Canadian because it gives me time to philosophize about existence and expression and gorging myself on luxury. We don’t have to worry about survival; what else are we supposed to do? And boobies too. They rock.

MT: Have you been influenced more by Matisse or Ezra Pound?

TW: Pound because of his “maniacal” dedication to his beliefs. Now I know the word maniacal may come across as a bit excessive, but it sounds better than bitchin. Plus, I can’t stand Matisse. If Matisse were cotton candy I would always have diarrhea and fairs would suck a lot more than they already do.

MT: Here's something I like to toss at guests - what is a breastfish?

TW: I think it’s either an online zine or the nickname for a penis that is curved in the direction of the dominant hand of the owner of said penis. Or, it is an inert gas that, when combined with pastels, makes puppies explode a lot.

MT: Not quite. I'm afraid this interview is over. A breastfish is actually a lifestyle, sort of like suicidegirls or metrosexuality. But you couldn't have known that, so I'll give you one more question. If you could take one celebrity to a desert island, who would it be?

TW: I would say any celebrity that has the power to transform themselves into an animal that I could ride. So…Star Jones I guess.

---

Mostly Water Theatre's Maturity plays tonight until Satuday at the Jekyl & Hyde pub downtown on 106th St and 100th Ave. Show starts at 8 pm and admission is a measly ten bucks. Cheaper than a movie. Or a round of bukkake.

January 24th, 2005
Classic Moments w/ Mr. Tourette

If I had drunk any more gin on Saturday night, I would have needed a blood transfusion to keep the neurons in my brain from peeling apart like old lead paint.

The night started with a couple of drinks with my publisher, Anthony. We had a real breakthrough on the pink ambulance story, in terms of how it could be told. We were excited enough to phone up Marvin, who's in Regina at the moment, and talk it over with him, and he was agreeable. So I was pretty happy.

When I got to the bar, I remember rubbing my chest and yelling, "It's going to be a good night, fellahs. I'm feeling loud and erotically charged". That was the beginning.

The end came about fifteen gins later, right after I was done screaming at another writer, "FUCK THE CANADIAN PUBLISHING INDUSTRY. FUCK THEM IN THEIR TIGHT PUCKERING MOTHERFUCKING ASSES."

It was an intellectually stimulating evening. Really was.

Copyright © 2006 Mingus Tourette