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August 23rd - 29th, 2004
August 27, 2004
A New Journey to the East

last week was an interesting experiment. saturated with blistering, ego-driven bravado

If you haven't voted in the Summer Tournament of MegaEvil, you haven't lived. Get in now, while the competition is still hot. At this point, the leader is 'Tic Tac Toe Kid', who took a seven percent lead in the last couple of days. In hot pursuit is the 'Cow Boom Clown Extravaganza', followed by 'Children' in third place, and the 'Canadian Olympic Team' in twentieth.

Voting ends Monday. At that point, some proud designer will take home Il Duce. For those who don't know what's at stake, remind yourself what we're battling for: liquor, porn, fine literature, drugs, Soldier of Fortune and a twelve inch double headed ass destroyer. My lord, what a prize. Please take this extremely seriously.

The contest reminds me of my fourth place finish in the Asian NonAsian Weblog awards, earlier this year. Which reminds me that I renamed the blog "The Shame of Bristol" and retitled myself "The Emperor of the Lost." Which reminds me of losing Rae-Anne, the buddha, to the east, not so long ago. Reminds me of an entry in the guestbook about the restlessness of the west, and my inability to sleep, the rising travel lust. Reminds me of a good friend of mine, who is also leaving for the East, for Japan. Reminds me that there is life beyond this, after this book, that there are adventure still to have. Reminds me that once he is gone, he will be greatly missed.

In his honour, I present a few of my favourite travelling haiku from the late Tento Yuriko's masterful 'Melting Sun'. And Basho, who's also pretty good.

Yuriko I

On the noon roadside
The raven watches calmly
Still waiting, mocking

Yuriko II

Old man walking in rain
Looking back, hoping
for a ride

Yuriko III

The old wasp nest hangs
Its papers torn
Its queen departed

Basho I

Wake, butterfly-
it's late, we've miles
to go together.

Basho II

Sick on a journey-
over parched fields
dreams wander on.

Basho III

First winter rain-
I plod on,
Traveller, my name.

August 26, 2004
International Branding Impasse

After Mischa Barton beat out Mingus Tourette for a lucrative Keds' shoes contract, Keds president Shawn Neville announced to the press: "As we were building our strategy, one of the things we talked about as critical to get the brand to appeal to younger customers was to find a spokewoman representative of who we wanted to be. Clearly, her ability to reach that target is high."

Tourette was later quoted as saying: " If Keds wants that one dollar load swallower over a proven youth-brand representative, they're welcome to have her. I know I did."

Tourette's apparent bitterness stems from his perceived value in the brand- rejuvenation market, due particularly to his involvement in the Pilsner brand overhaul late last year. Tourette was supplied with a reasonable promotions budget and creative advertising control, and made the executive decision to spend everything on a single promotional effort to open an industry summit. At the inaugural event, a naked Tourette was lashed to a Latvian supermodel and the pair were shot out of a high-velocity water cannon across the Alberta legislative grounds, landing in a 50 000 gallon pool of Pilsner beer. Unfortunately, one of the firing cells ruptured at a critical juncture and the resulting flood claimed the lives of a pair of nearby Pekinese.

The ensuing publicity firestorm drove up sales for the beleaguered company, but pending legal action forced them to claim no pre-knowledge of Tourette's campaign.

Upon being temporarily suspended by his parent company, Tourette made some unfortunate remarks to the press concerning his superior knowledge of branding, and its importance to small Canadian firms. Unconfirmed sources quoted Tourette as saying:

"Look at what branding did for Hitler. Certainly, Stalin killed a lot more people, but Hitler had better film presence, better music, and of course, a better logo. And now Hitler dominates the world-market in that niche. Much like Volvo has achieved excellent brand recognition, in that it is now synonymous with a word: safety, Hitler is now synonymous with a word: evil. Whether you believe in it or not."

Whether or not the remarks were indeed accurate, Pilsner pulled its remaining support, the Tourette Beer Summit was cancelled, and Tourette's brand-association value irrevocably damaged. Of historical interest, Pilsner did maintain rights over Tourette's now-famous Pilsner Nunto and integrated it into their spring campaign. The Nunto's immortal words can be seen in a thin serif font, drifting over the green fields of the Pilsner bottle, if examined in the right light.

After drinking a case of two.

--- --- ---

My Night On The Pil

I been counting white rabbits
on the side of this fucking Pilsner can
all night

and every time I get it down
to fourteen or fifteen bunnies
i take another drink
and I got to start over

and now
twelve beers in
I can't count at all
and I'm seeing rabbits hopping around the room
in the television
smoking cigarettes

and mostly
sticking out from between women's legs
soft and furry
and I just want to pet that rabbit
kiss it on the forehead

might seem a little forward
but don't worry ladies
everything is just fine
cause Mingus is on the Pil

fuck I love this beer

--- --- ---

August 25, 2004
The Vehicle

After the Washington Post Update, it appears as though I'm going to have to spend a few hours today talking with my lawyer, a severely repressed fetishist if I ever met one.

In the meantime, to quell any rumours that I might be travelling across the country in anything less than typical flamboyant style, I present a still image from the short film I made my documentary crew create about the Write the Nation vehicle before it is painted pink this weekend.

For legal purposes, it will be removed almost immediately. So feast your eyes on the vehicle, commit to memory, and forget it as it ever was. (This image is for Premium Members only.)

And for Christ's sake, vote for the Tournament of Evil. The competition's tighter that a nunt.

August 24, 2004
Tourette Comforts Nervous Bull Market: Still In it For the Money

After the nationally televised fistfight on the David Letterman show, several financial critics, notably at the Washington Post, have begun to question Mingus Tourette's intent, and moreover, his street credit.

As I am afforded a soapbox that most writers don't have, ie. a website that receives 400 000 unique visitors a day, I would like to officially retort to those in the right-leaning media, and especially those in Mr. Bush's 'Swift Boat camp'.

It is obvious that I am into writing for the sole purpose of making money. Though the poetry groupies are great and it's fine to have Evan Solomon hand me packages of uncut opium behind the Gladstone Pub in Toronto, lord knows that I have enough sex with strangers and do enough drugs that I don't need publicists and television personalities trying to get me high. I can handle that by myself, very much. If the 'left hook heard round the world' that I delivered to Al Roker proved anything, I should probably ease off on the pharmaceuticals for a couple of days. But I probably won't.

So to those capitalists who continue to suggest that I am involved in this for 'the love of the game', or worse, 'a humanistic understanding', let me assure you of one thing.

Ming is all about the bling.

As a young entrepeneur in 1992, I surveyed the possible capital ventures that I might engage in, and considered getting in on the ground floor on such opportunities as 'the internet' and 'computer software'. Fortunately for my bankbook, I opted to pursue the far more lucrative path of writing and poetry. And, after a dozen years of relentless work, my net worth exceeds that of Tunisia, Rwanda and Belgium on a good year.

Yes, Bill Gates is still my bitch.

So for all you young business people who are considering tagging their chains to the petroleum industry, computer programming or worse, biomechanical engineering, I have this to say: get into poetry, and get in early. The hours will be long, the strain on your body will be great, but it won't matter, because with persistence and talent, you'll be able to buy a whole new liver, family and circle of friends by the time you're thirty.

Just like me.

So to all the soft-c capitalists who keep trying to take a chip off my mega-brand: why don't you come over to my French-maid staffed 200 foot Victor Class Yacht one of these days and lick the blue chips off my balls while I keep cranking out the thousand dollar haiku you can only dream about.

You know, once in awhile, I sort of wish it wasn't so fucking easy. But then I watch my albino hippos tear apart another endangered black rhino in my Latex Gladiator Pit, and I thank the Lord above that it is.


August 23, 2004
Tourette's Summer Tournament of MegaEvil - The Game is On

The Tournament of MegaEvil is over. But the voting has just begun.

It is now in the hands of the public to decide which contestant is worthy of the Official American Blitzkrieg Survival Kit.

Because people are quite stupid sometimes, we have made the voting process very simple. Everything is on one page: all entries at the top, voting at the bottom. If you get lost, turn off your monitor, look for the nearest window and launch yourself through it. Humanity must be streamlined.

All complaints will be noted and deleted immediately.

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