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November 29th - Dec 05th, 2004
December 3rd, 2004
$ 100B Articles 3
The Anti-Genocide Unit

And after setting up his Breeding Program, Mingus would spend some of his money on world peace.

Sort of.

In a rare moment of altruism that I don't fully understand yet, I would establish the primary Anti-Genocide Unit. The Unit would be constructed much like the Island Defense Corps, with the heavy air-cavalry, tanks, transports and well-trained mercenaries. The AGU's purpose would be to prevent mass-civilian murder situations like Rwanda or Yugoslavia (or Darfur?) from occuring whenever necessary. In all likelihood, it would be mobilized whenever the UN was too mired in bureaucracy to use military power, or the US was too disinterested in a country full of brown people with no oil.

As I state in rare moments of open fear, or in Nunto 57, genocide bothers me. As do executions. So, with a hundred billion dollars, I could do my part to put heavy armaments in between the people of one ethnic group with guns and the people in another ethnic group without guns.

It seems like the one decent thing that someone with a lot of money could do before getting back to the Breeding Programs, hippo pit fighting and malachite thrones.

the so-called wrong comes in letting them know
they will die before they are killed
setting upon them
a relentless terror in their last days or minutes
like the hour of fear on the Steppes at Babi Yar
or the twenty years spent in a Southern row of cells
populated with vagrants too depleted to afford their own lives

-excerpted from Nunto 57

December 2nd, 2004
$ 100B Articles 1 & 2:
The Compound & Breeding Program

After declaring one's self an international citizen, the first order of business is establishing a base of operations. Or two. For many reasons, a large tropical island makes the most sense. Traffic is easy to monitor, security is tight, and the temperature is right for sunbathing ladies.

After purchasing the island, the next step is to heavily fortify it. The reasons for this will become obvious in a moment. Now, as expensive as it may seem to equip a modern military force, the basics can be purchased for relatively few billions of dollars. I believe an AH-64 Apache Assault helicopter goes for about $10 million these days. Therefore, fifty Apaches should only cost half a billion dollars, and they should be sufficient to keep most interlopers off the property. 30 mm depleted Uranium shells, fired at a rate of 4600/ minute are fantastic for this! Throw in assorted tanks, gunships and fighter jets, and we have a solid Island Defense Corps, as well as the Secondary Anti-Genocide Unit.

The armed forces are necessary to protect a number of possibly unpopular programs on the island, such as: the Breeding Program, the Cloning Program, the Mainframe Sentience Program, the Platinum Pornography Club, a commune of drunken poets, the Heavy Robotics Suit Division and the quite important International Lobby & Propaganda Division.

After the Island Defense Corps and the Secondary Anti-Genocide Unit are in place, the Breeding Program can begin!

The breeding program closely follows Mingus' paradigm that we are all animals, and as such, we have two primary directives in life; to survive and to procreate. Indeed, the biological imperative dictates that the male attempt to reproduce as many times as possible within his lifetime. Typically, he undergoes a pair-bonding with a female and they raise a small brood that will carry his genes into the next generation. In some historical cases, however, the male has the opportunity to reproduce at a much higher level. The best example of this remains Moulay Ismail (the Bloodthirsty), a Moroccan sultan who lived in the 1700s and sired 888 children.

The aim of any biologically-motivated billionaire should be to eclipse Ismail's record and forever genetically imprint the human race with his own stamp. The best way to do this is as follows:

a. Advertise in every major paper in the world for willing, intelligent, independent, physically-fit women interested in bearing the children of the billionaire. Participants receive one million dollars for the breeding process, plus one million dollars for each year that they spend raising their child in their homeland. The children are to be raised to a certain standard of education and provided for in the best medical capacity.

b.Vigorous screening process of potential applicants.

c. Selection of candidates, and transportation to the island.

d.Inspection and quarantining (nine weeks) of candidates to ensure they are free of any communicable diseases.

e. Breeding and birthing. Candidates have brief, heated affair with the billionaire during their optimal period of conception. After conceiving, they undergo a period of observation to insure proper impregnation. Once the second trimester has been reached, the candidates have the option to return home or remain on the island for the rest of the pregnancy.

f. Return of mother and child (or foetus) to home land.

g. Raising of child.

The women obviously have to spend some time on the island, and to prevent them from being cuckolded by any males besides the billionaire, they will be accompanied by women bodyguards, mostly ex-Mossad Israelis.

The program aims to achieve a maximum number of births across the widest possible geological and genetic spectrum with the highest quality females. Though the program is certain to be unpopular with some groups such as "Christians", "Muslims" and "Americans", it is the most logical extrapolation of the biological imperative and would therefore be implemented by the billionaire. If the project seems unlikely to work in the face of this fundamental religious and legal criticism, it should be pointed out that laws do not apply to the international billionaire, nor do morals, lobby groups or anything else, except for overwhelming military force. Which is why the Island Defense Corps / Secondary Anti-Genocide Unit, capable of firing 230 000 rounds per minute, exists.

More morally offensive material tomorrow.

December 1st, 2004
intermezzo one

Due to some unforeseen pressure from lobby groups, there will be a slight delay in the examination of the One Hundred Billion Dollar Question while we have a long discussion with some unhappy 'moral' groups. All I can say at this point, is that Ben Mulroney can go fuck himself.

If you're reading this, Ben, that Kalan Porter kid looks like a hobbit, and you sir, you look like Tea Baggins. To you and your little armada of neo-right wing conservative American Idol North co-conspirators, I say one thing as it applies to the 100B and to everything else:

Morals do not apply to me.
They are fictions designed by priests to keep the sheep in check.

In other news, the average temperature in this fine city during the month of November was eight degrees higher than usual, but no, Virginia, there is no global warming.

Goodbye, polar bears.We'll keep photos of you up beside the snapshot of Martha, the last Passenger Pigeon, dying in her cage, alone and bedraggled, way back in 1912.

We're just so good at the extinction dance.

November 30th, 2004
The Hundred Billion Dollar Conversation

For several years, I have been starting the same conversation. I begin by mentioning that Bill Gates was worth 90 Billion Dollars (USD) in 1999. At that point, it was entirely possibly for him to cash in, retire, and live out his years driving around a golden castle in a platinum go-kart, trying to run over bikini models wearing diamond brassieres. Instead, he foolishly chose to remain as chief software architect at the world's most powerful software company. The most interesting thing he has done with his vast fortune is to "tackle global health & education with the $24 Billion Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation."

How dull.

His long-time software partner, Paul Allen, has taken a much better crack at spending billions of dollars, buying up the Seattle Seahawks, the Portland Trailblazers and a big chunk of Spielberg's Dreamworks. He's also had some vision, sponsoring SpaceShipOne, the first civilian effort to successfully put man in suborbital space, and the Experience Music Project, a $250 Million Jimi Hendrix museum. Much more interesting.

However, neither one has fully realized the potential of their situation. With that much money, or with One Hundred Billion Dollars, a person could do just about anything: space travel, invasions, cure diseases, eliminate hunger, etc...

The question at the heart of the conversation is: what would YOU do with one hundred billion dollars?

Before answering rashly, please consider the power of that much money, and the scope one must operate on to properly answer this question. The answer is not " I would buy the Edmonton Oilers, stock the team with superstars and win the Stanley Cup". The answer is: "I would buy the NHL, move it to Edmonton and watch it in my backyard every night. And eat my chicken soup out of the Stanley Cup. And people would refer to me as "Your Lord Very High Commissioner". "

Don't laugh. At $100 Million or so per team, 30 teams, we're only looking at $3 to $5 billion. With that much money, almost anything is possible, IF applied with the proper imagination, determination and wit. However, without imagination, most people end up sounding like beauty contestants, planning vaguely for world peace. In my opinion, a beauty contestant's world peace is no match for Mingus's highly trained armed forces, with their C-130 gunships, AH-64 Apache assault helicopters, fighter jets, tanks, subs, bunker busters and well-drilled mercenaries. Or the ninja assassins. Or the ex-Ghurkha bodyguards. Or the ex-Mossad intelligence agents. Or the cargo plane strapped to a 15 000 pound BLU-82 Daisy Cutter with the word 'irony' stencilled on it in crayon. Badaboom.

Over the next three days (or more, possibly), I will lay out my personal platform for the spending of one hundred billion dollars. This will be done to give a fine example of how to start this conversation. Soon, it may be your turn.

As it is, I hope you enjoy it. This conversation is one that I have been starting for many years, because I find that people's answers say a great deal about their imagination, their core desires and their will. It can be a lot of fun, it can be frightening, it can be a grand distraction from the reality of sitting up late, staring out at the city and wondering where Chloe is, wondering when the evening will seem less lonely.

November 29th, 2004
a return to the first

My publisher was happy to inform me that we got our first Australian order on the weekend. However, during the course of researching shipping prices, he found this little ditty. It made him a bit nervous, but I assured him that the best thing that could happen to him at this point would be his arrest for a violation of Section B Chapter 7a.

Canada Postal Guide
Section B – Chapter 07
Non-mailable Matter

Non-mailable Matter
Any mail which is prohibited by law or which contains products or substances that could expose a person to danger or soil or damage either other mail or postal equipment.

Criminal Code and Other Offences
Any person using the mail for the delivery of any one of the following items commits an offence:

(a) articles that are obscene, indecent, immoral or scurrilous

I told him that after he is is charged and has to appear in court for a preliminary hearing, he should stand up before anything happens and scream out:

"I am guilty as fucking charged, your honour. Now hang me, throw me in the fucking brig or fuck the fuck off, cause I got no fucking money to pay your goddamned fines, you fascist bastards. "

I also suggested he commit a series of daring bank robberies to finance my next book, but I don't think either proposal was taken under serious consideration.

This bit of conversation was the first item on the agenda of a major brain trust cookout between myself, the publisher and Xanadu, who I invited along because the publisher and I are running out of steam, and Xanadu's full of hot air and bullshit. We ended up with a few new plans, which include, roughly:

a. new press releases for upcoming television stories on the tour
b. the 'polarized opinion' press release
c. a hot, new, widely-misleading contest which will be available to everyone
d. national classifieds
e. Mingus Tourette 2005 Calendars (Best of the Boudoir)
f. Book Club Reading Services, rendered for old women's book clubs
g. The Vatican Assault (classified)
h. major changes to this fucking site
i. Introduce new slogan. Poetry: Not Just for Obituaries Anymore
j . Ruining Christmas 2004

Explanations of some of these items will occur in the near future. All I can say is: Pay very close attention to this week's Daily Mingus. It will be quite important to your future well being.

But What Happened Last Week? By God, Find Out Here!